on Pause

So..at refuge in St. Francisville, we started a new series last Sunday called “pause.” I think it is so funny how you will hear a message on a Sunday and then God will deal with your heart all week on that subject. Basically, pause explores those moments between hearing from God and the actions that follow.  I think we all have those pause moments-we know that we hear from God or feel a prompting in our spirit, and then we decide whether or not we want to be obedient.  Just this week alone, God showed me some situations in my life in which I had been on pause.  The Lord had asked me to do a few things, and honestly, I had been putting them off.  I had been on pause with one situation for a few weeks, and then another since last April (thats 10 months of pausing..sheesh!).  I don’t want to stay on pause, because when I am , I am inactive.  I realized the other day that this is what the enemy wants.  He wants us to just get stuck on one issue, or circumstance and stay there so we can’t be effective anymore.  Think about it this way: if God calls you do something and you don’t do it, it’s like letting the enemy win! That thought definitely gave me a new view on what disobedience is.  So I pray, dear friends, that God would give you the courage and the strength to get un-stuck and get back on play!

new worship

So..here’s the deal:

I need some new worship music.  I’m not saying that the old stuff is bad, I mean Hillsong will always be amazing, but I’m just in the mood for some raw, new worship.  I was checking on iTunes tonight, and found this amazing CD called Healing Waters by Kari Jobe and Klaus Kuhn (CFNI grads) and I’m pretty excited.  I’m also really enjoying Rita Springer right now too.

If you have any suggestions for me, then please leave me a comment! Thanks in advance.

and..please pray. Seriously.  I challenge you to get on your face and pray earnestly for everyone that God brings to your mind.  God is doing some crazy stuff right now, and the enemy is not happy about it and is bringing the attack on full force. So please cover everyone you know in prayer, and if you can’t think of anyone specifically, pray for the hundreds of lives that are going to be changed at Amplified this weekend.

middle of the night randomness

I don’t know if wordpress timestamps blog entries, but its 3 in the morning.

Yes I know…I’m up late.  I went and had an amazing dinner tonight, and then had some iced coffee.  I think it’s very ironic how I can drink coffee when I need to study and it doesn’t hardly work, but when I drink coffee just for the heck of it, I’m wide awake in the middle of the night. Please forgive me if some of this doesn’t make sense-I am still pretty tired.

I find myself thinking about quite a few things at this early hour.  I feel that I’m having a Psalm 63:6 moment, thinking of God through the watches of the night, just like David did.  Something that has been on my mind lately and tonight especially, is the change I have been going through. I look back on past months, and don’t even feel that I am the same person anymore.  Sometimes I feel that I am very repetitive in my blogging due to the fact that I have blogged about me changing quite a bit, but that is just where God has me right now.  Sometimes I long for things to be the way they used to be-I miss the comfort of last year, but know that the only way I can grow is if I am uncomfortable.  Pastor Mike preached on Sunday in St. Francisville, and said that God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable.

Well God, I’m pretty disturbed right now (in a good way of course)

My heart just hurts for Amy and her family this morning.  I know that God is sovereign, and that His ways are above anything we can understand.  Sometimes that is all I can hold onto when I am hurting, or I hear of other people who are suffering.  God knows what he is doing, and we just have to trust in Him that sometimes His Jer 29:11 plans for our life require us to go through pain.  It’s all for His glory.

I also know of so many other people who have family members who are battling sickness or who are dealing with issues of their own.  I know that life is such a gift from God, but sometimes it is just hard.  What an awesome time it is to be a disciple of Christ.  What a privilege it is to reach out to people. I am so thankful that no matter what, there is always hope, and his name is Jesus.

Despite all of these things, God has recently brought some big blessings into my life, and for that I am so thankful.  It’s only really been one day, but my new residence has been such a blessing already.

I am thankful that I never have to do this thing called life alone.

I am thankful for Jesus and the power of the cross.

I am thankful that God delights in me and longs for me to come to Him.  

I am thankful that God knows what I need more than I do.

I am thankful that I can cast my cares upon the Lord everyday.

I want to live surrendered.

I want to be broken so that I can be poured out.

I want to hear “Well done good and faithful servant.”

Thank you Lord. You are so good.

the year so far

Usually I am not one who is at a loss for words (or blog words, for that matter). I can’t tell you how much I would love to sit down right now and blog about everything that God has been working in me these past few weeks, but I can’t. I feel that I have been through so much and learned so much that words just wouldn’t do it justice. Just know this: ever since January 1st the Lord has been doing some serious work in my heart and in my life. I have been stretched in my walk in ways I never thought I would be. I have had to let God dig down really deep and pull up some roots that have had a hold in my heart since I was little. No, these things are not fun, but they are necessary. However, the joy that comes from going through these things is incredible. I know that the Lord really wants to set me free in 2008, and freedom never comes without a price. However….the best news is…

I am dying. Not literally dying, but flesh-Lauren is dying. This has probably been the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it is so good. The less of Lauren that there is, the more Jesus can be there. God is so good and so faithful.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me these past few weeks. Thank you for praying with me and just being there. You will never know how much it means.

….and on a lighter note…

You really need to go to St. Francisville to this place called The Barn and take a picture in front of the outhouse. End of story.

Living by faith

I figured that since my last post was nothing but pictures, it is about time that I post something of actual substance.

I know that even though this blog is public and anyone can read it, I still try to be as transparent as possible without writing too much.  Before Christmas, we had an awesome Elevate class about how a good leader needs to be teachable and touchable, and definitely part of being touchable is admitting that you don’t have it all together and that sometimes you struggle.   I am going to be perfectly honest- it is better now, but over break I started having lots of questions and doubts, and even became angry with God.

When I am at LSU I am happy there, but when I come back home to Texas, I really start struggling with why I am in Baton Rouge.  After I spend a few days at home, or even traveling to see other family members, I begin to question.  I think, “what would my life be like if I lived in/went to college at (fill in the blank)? Would I be happier here?” After these questions arise, I begin to think of all of the ways that I could be happier in this other place than the place I am at right now.  I know that wherever I would go, Lauren would still be there.  I would still have these same issues.  However, being a perfectionist for most of my life, I grew up thinking that one day my life would be a certain way.  I dreamed of having this life where I was ridiculously happy, and everything was perfect.  I am now realizing that this “ideal” doesn’t exist..in situations or in people..and it has been something the Lord has had to work on with me.  Due to the fact that my life in Baton Rouge has not met up to this perfect ideal (I know that no place would), I begin to get extremely frustrated, and last week even became angry at the Lord.  I said, “Lord this is NOT what I wanted! How could you do this to me…this is NOT the life I wanted!” I cried and just fought with myself because I know that Baton Rouge is where I am supposed to be, yet something inside of me was severely disappointed.

After a day or so of this, I remembered an old verse, and I began to repeat it over and over in my mind.  This is a very familiar verse, and it reminded me how many times we just memorize things but don’t really think about what they mean.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3: 5-6

The more I said this to myself, the more I remembered this is how I needed to live.  I needed to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not own my own understanding.  Usually I have a pretty good understanding of things, but due to the fact that I am human, my real understanding pretty much stinks.  I do not understand why I go through certain things or why I am in the place that I am at, but I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing with me, and that I am not there by accident. I have heard it said that we as humans have tunnel vision, and can only see one thing at a time while God has big picture vision and can see everything.  I think this is so true, because if we could see the big picture of our life, we would understand why we are in the places that we are.  I believe Lord, help my unbelief. If I had my life all figured out, I would not need God.  I need to rest in the fact that God’s ways are so much higher than mine, and that there are things I will never know until I get to Heaven.  And until then, I just need to trust my father.

..and then he [Jesus] said to Thomas [Lauren]….stop doubting and just believe…

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It’s our handle on what we can’t see. -Hebrews 11:1

so Lauren..what have you been doing?

I hope that 2008 has already been great for everyone. In case anyone is dying to know what I have been up to for the past two weeks, here is a brief pictoral summary.

My dad, my mom, and I in front of my Nonnie’s Christmas tree. Big Dent didn’t make the cut..just joking..he took the picture.

All the Hensley/Shaw Grandkids and our Nonnie

My Nonnie became a big LSU fan once I went to college..and look what she got for Christmas! Geaux Tigers!

These people in San Angelo have a whole lot full of Christmas lights and decorations. They start putting them up in October, and we have been there to see them as long as I remember.

My parents and I on Hill Street…I was cold.

My family gave me an early surprise birthday party! I had no idea!
disclaimer: I know I have a UT sweatshirt on..but hey I was in Texas.

Enjoying my birthday cake

Celebrating my second birthday party on NYE

This is my mom’s best friend, who I call my Aunt Rita. She is an awesome person and I miss her very much.

I’m 21!!!!! Well almost.

Besides having tons of holiday fun, I also watched about 20 episodes of 24 (season 5). My family is pretty much obsessed with this show, and since I never watch tv normally, it was fun to watch 24 with them. I have now decided to abandon all of my other future career plans and apply to CTU. My new goal in life is to be just like Chloe, minus the facial expressions. Watch out terrorists..here I come!

I’m only joking.

Now I’m looking forward to my real birthday, which is tomorrow, January 4th.

Christmas Thoughts

So first off I want to apologize for not blogging for a few weeks. I have been very busy with finals (yay school..yeah right) but God is so good and has taken such amazing care of me during this stressful time.

I feel like things in my life are changing so quickly right now. I know this is what God has for me right now, but it is still a little uncomfortable. This reminds me of a story in the Bible of someone whose world was turned upside down after God spoke to her. Conveniently (since it is almost Christmas), it is the story of Mary.

In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a village in Galilee to a virgin named Mary. She was engaged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of King David. Gabriel appeared to her and said, “Greetings, favored woman! The Lord is with you!”

Confused and disturbed, Mary tried to think what the angel could mean. “Don’t be afraid, Mary,” the angel told her, “for you have found favor with God! You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you will name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his ancestor David. And he will reign over Israel forever; his Kingdom will never end!”

Mary asked the angel, “But how can this happen? I am a virgin.”

The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby to be born will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. What’s more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she’s now in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.”Mary responded, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” And then the angel left her.

I feel like I can relate to this story in so many ways right now. Like Mary, God wants to speak to us and tell us the great things he has in store for our future. The Lord wants to make us “pregnant” with dreams that will later be birthed. I can imagine how Mary must have felt, how scared she must have been when she knew that she was going to be pregnant. What would Joseph think? Would he believe that an angel of the Lord came and visited her? Other people would sound find out…what would they think? Whatever Mary’s fears were, I love the fact that she trusted that God would take care of the details. I think we can learn so much from this. Sometimes the Lord gives us dreams and we embrace them, but embrace them with hesitation and fear. What will other people think of us? Will people understand why we are doing the things we do? In the end, it doesn’t really matter. We have to trust that God’s plans are greater than anything we can imagine, and that he will take care of us as we work out our dreams and calling.

..and the power of the Most High will overshadow you..

This is what is really important. It’s not about us, but the power of God consuming us.  Sometimes I think we tell God that we will trust Him no matter what, but still want our lives to take a certain path, and when God takes us on another path, we get frustrated.  It’s not about us and what we want…it is about the glory of God shining through us.

I want to have Mary’s spirit. Sometimes God tells me things that are going to happen, and it is scary, but I draw encouragement from Mary and say Lord, let whatever you have said about me come true

so yay Mary..and yay Christmas.

words

These are some words that have spoken to me lately. I wish I could claim them as my own, but they belong to no other than Rob Bell, written in his book Velvet Elvis. It encourages me to know that someone else has gone through some of the same things I am going through right now.

To be this kind of person-the kind of person who selflessly serves-takes everything a person has. It is difficult. It is demanding. And we often find ourselves going against the flow of those around us. Which is why we are reclaiming the simple fact that Jesus said the way is narrow. We are honest about this, especially to our friends who wouldn’t say they are Christians. Very few people in our world are offering anything worth dying for. Most of the messages we receive are about how to make life easier. The call of Jesus goes the other direction: It’s about making our lives more difficult. It is going out of our way to become more generous and disciplined and loving and free. It is refusing to escape and become numb to and check out of this broken, fractured world.

And so we are embracing the high demands of Jesus’ call to be one of his disciples. We are honest about it. We want our friends to know up front that costs are high, which is what is so appealing about Jesus-his vision for life takes everything we have.

..He (Jesus) is trying to find out who really wants it. And so he keeps pushing and prodding and questioning and putting it out there until some leave and the diehards stay. .

This is what we are all dying for-something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people. Something that calls out the greatness that we hope is somewhere inside of us.

Not only is the way narrow, but it involves suffering. To truly engage with how the world is, our hearts are going to be broken again and again.

and..I have been so acutely aware of the presence of God in my life today. I have such peace today and I am so thankful. I have also felt the Lord just strengthen me and walk with me today…and it has been AWESOME

thanksgiving

 

I was searching online for Thanksgiving pictures to put on my blog, and since this one was labeled “geeky Thanksgiving” I knew it was for me.  This is also for a few other nerdy people out there (you know who you are!)

In case anyone is wondering, I am traveling home to TEXAS tomorrow and then driving to my grandparent’s house to celebrate Thanksgiving.  I will definitely take some pictures and post them when I get back.  I haven’t been home since August, so I am very excited.

I have been making a conscious effort lately to really thank God for all the has done in my life.  It is so easy to ask God for something, receive it, and then say a quick thanks and move on to the next thing.  How many times do we stop and really give God all the thanks and praise that he deserves?  I think about the story of the ten lepers that were healed, and only one came back to thank Jesus for the healing that he had received.  I want to be the leper that came back.  I want to be someone that has a thankful and grateful spirit.  The enemy loves to remind us of all we don’t have, but by giving thanks we are able to counteract that.  As Pastor Timmy said this last Sunday, if you have air in your lungs and were able to get up on your own two feet today you have something to be thankful for.  I completely agree.  I personally am thankful for:

•  the fact that God loved me enough to send Jesus to die in my place ( I know this is so cliche, but seriously, when we get saved we are transferred from the kingdom of darkness to light. That is serious stuff!)
• my incredible family.  I love my parents so much and am so thankful that they pray for me and are my biggest supporters
• the healing and freedom that I have found in Jesus this past year and a half.  I lived in bondage and lies for years, and God has done such an amazing work in my life to set me free from these things.
• friends who love at all times. Seriously..you guys are such a blessing
• the opportunity to be in elevate and serve at HPC.  I can’t believe how privileged I am to know and serve with some of the most gifted, amazing, humble people I have ever met.
• my health
• The fact that God not only is crazy in love with me, but makes my path perfect (Psalm 18) and has amazing plans for my life (Jer 29:11).

What are you thankful for this year? I also want to challenge everyone to really sit down and thank God for who He is and all that he has done.  I want to develop a lifestyle of giving thanks-we as Christians should celebrate Thanksgiving every single day.

the letting go

First of all, God has a sense of humor.  I need to stop blogging because as soon as I post something God starts dealing with my heart on that specific subject.  So this will be my last post ever…kidding..I know you were about to cry.

I have had several friends lately who have been dealing with doubt in their lives.  I have listened to them and tried to encourage them, but felt pretty good about myself that I wasn’t struggling with any blatant doubt (or so I thought).  On the way home from Starbucks today, God revealed to me that I do struggle with doubt, it just comes in a different form.  Even though I believe God created me and knows everything about me, I doubt that He will be enough, and find myself afraid to let go of certain “things” that provide me with a sense of control and security.  This is a little bit of what I felt him saying to me last night:

Lauren, I love you so much and want to be your everything, but I can’t when you have these other lovers in your life.  You have to get rid of them before I can pour myself fully in you. You have to stop looking to anything else but me for complete security and fulfillment.  Quit striving so hard to do more to please me..all I want is YOU!  I am a jealous God and desire all of your time and thoughts.  Quit trying to please everyone.  Stop looking to others for your sense of  self -worth.  Stop being so insecure..I love you!  I know you think that if you look a certain way and wear certain clothes you will be finally happy, but you won’t! I am the ONLY one who can fill your emptiness and bring you true joy!!

These words were very gentle but so convicting.  I know that there are things I hold onto, desperately trying to find security and fulfillment.  The Lord has been asking me to let go of these things and just trust Him, but honestly last night I didn’t want to, and told him that I wouldn’t!  Why is it so hard for me to let go and trust that the Lord can meet my deepest needs?  I have blogged about letting go before, and like I discovered earlier, even though I want all of these good things in my life, I hold onto insecurities and strongholds because they are familiar.  Letting go is scary, but today I finally told Jesus that I was going to let go.

Do what you will..I’m ready now.

It all comes down to faith.  I’m learning that everything we do as Christians comes down to trusting that God’s ways are better than anything we can do.  Jesus I believe, help me in my unbelief!