I long for you.

I long for your full heart, not just part of it.

I long for you as a friend, a close friend.

I want your total attention.

You cannot escape my thoughts, and my longing for you never ceases.

The love songs you sang to me in the past still echo in my ears, and your prayers, which moved mountains, go on bearing fruit, even without you…

How many golden conversations we have shared!

And how beautiful is your face when it is turned toward the Source of your life and hope!

I miss you my friend, my little one.

I long to show you new delights, new challenges, new insights into My written Word, new joys and victories.

I am not a halfway Savior. I am a total Savior.

I saved you from defeat and death.

I have conquered sin.

I have conquered Satan.

I am Lord of lords and King of kings.

My glory is indisputable, indomitable.

I am omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent.

And I do not want halfway friend.

I want you totally.

From one of my favorite books, His Thoughts Towards Me

The Alabaster Jar

I know most of us have Biblical characters that we aspire to be like.  Many of us want the boldness and committment of Paul, or the servant heart of Stephen.  Lately, I have been praying to be like a certain woman in the Bible.  I don’t even know her name, but her story is found in Luke chapter 7.

I have read and heard this story many times before, but God really challenged me to take a deeper look the other day.  Basically, what happens is Jesus is invited to have dinner at one of the Pharisees’ houses. A woman who was known for her sin finds out that Jesus will be at this house, and decides to visit him.  She brings an alabaster jar full of perfume, and proceeds to anoint his feet with this perfume while weeping and wiping his feet with her tears.  Jesus then tells the Pharisee that this woman, even though she was sinful, did what the Pharisee failed to do-wash his feet, anoint his head, and greet him with a kiss (all of the things that were customary for a guest).  Jesus then tells the woman that her sins are forgiven, and that she can go in peace.

So why would I want to be like this woman? I see so many characteristics in her that I want in my own life.  Here are a few:

She was desperate for the touch of Christ. This woman wasn’t invited to the dinner.  She wasn’t supposed to be there, but she came anyway.  Maybe that morning she woke up and decided that today was the last day that she wanted to carry her guilt and shame.  She knew that the only person who could help her was Jesus, and so she came to him, and he accepted her just as she was.  Christ accepts us just as we are.  I want this in my own life daily-a desperation for the touch of God.

She brought him everything she had to offer. Even though this woman was sinful, she brought her most precious possession-her alabaster jar.  This demonstrates that she knew who Jesus was, and nothing was too big to offer him.  What is my alabaster jar? What is your alabaster jar?  What am I willing to sacrifice to Christ?  When we finally understand the depth of his love for us, the price he paid, nothing becomes too big to offer to him.  He is so worthy of everything we have-our life, time, and talents.  I want to offer myself, like this woman, as a living sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1-2).

She was broken. I love that the Bible says she wept at Christ’s feet.  I want to have a brokenness about what Christ has done in my life.  I want to weep with repentence and weep with joy and thankfulness.  God promises us that he will not reject a broken and contrite heart, and that he is close to those who are brokenhearted.  I also love that she wept at his feet.  She humbled herself before him. God promises that when we are humble before him, he will lift us up.

She received mercy and grace in her time of need.  Jesus tells the woman that her sins were forgiven! What a relief. This woman is now free from everything that she had done in the past.  The Bible says that this woman was a prostitute.  We are like this woman.  We are all sinners-we have prostituted our own hearts and given them to things other than God.  Fortunately, God, in his infinite mercy and grace sent Christ so that we could be free.  When we believe in Christ, we, too, are forgiven and able to have peace.  In light of this truth, how can I not have overflowing love and thankfulness for God’s mercy?

And finally…I love that this woman doesn’t have a name. Her name is not important in this story, but her actions were.  I don’t care if people know my name, but I do want them to know how I live.  I want my life to be a testimony of the goodness of God.

At the Cross

Sometimes I feel with my blog that I write about whatever has been going on that day, something funny, etc., but this is something God has put on my heart for two weeks now.  This might be long, but I pray that God uses it to bring truth, light, and freedom to someone.

I really can’t begin to describe how much God has been challenging me lately.  I feel like things are changing again, and they are good.  I find it funny how we pray for things, and then when they happen we act surprised at what is going on. God does hear and answer our prayers.  I’ve seen this more in my life lately than ever. However, I digress.

I know that we all have struggles, sometimes specific struggles that take time to overcome. I want to share one of them with you, and how God has revealed so much through this struggle. Many of you may know that I struggle with fear and anxiety.  I naturally have a mind that wants to understand, analyze, and plan everything, and this of course makes it difficult for me to have faith, because faith requires not being able to see the end result. Two Mondays ago, I was sitting in Highland Coffees, studying for a test and reading Do You Think I’m Beautiful by Angela Thomas (which is one of my all-time favorite books). I have read this book probably about six times, but this time something specifically stood out.  There is a chapter about fear, and she quotes 1 John 4:18:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

She then continues to talk about how we have fear because we think we deserve punishment. I have read this verse hundreds of times, but something clicked in my mind..God do I feel like I still deserve punishment?

…..and the answer was yes.

This lead me to think about what I truly believe. Not what I recite but what I truly believe in the innermost places of my heart.  Growing up in church, we are taught as children that “Jesus loves us” and that “Jesus died on the cross for my sins.” These are both very true statements, but so many times we just say these things and don’t allow the true meaning to sink in. I began to think…okay God, if I believe, truly, that Jesus died on the cross for me, then what does this look like in my life? How does this affect me? Dear friends, let me tell you that this has made all the difference.

I began to look at my struggles in a new light. I had been afraid of God-afraid that He would punish me if I made a bad choice, or messed up.  I feared that God would deem me not good enough-that somedays I would please him but others disappoint him,  and he therefore would withold his love and protection for me because of my inadequacies.  This was, of course, causing me to struggle with guilt, shame, anxiety, and keeping me out of the place where I was able to rest in God’s love for me.  When I understood this stronghold of lies and began to think of what happend on the cross, I started to have more freedom.  When the enemy causes me to fear punishment, I love Isaiah 53:5 which says that Jesus took my punishment for me. Yes, Jesus took it for me! I no longer will be punished! Jesus came so that I could have freedom. Some other scriptures that have really helped me are Hebrews 10:17 which says that God not only forgives my sins, but doesn’t even remember them, and one of my favorite verses is Titus 3:4-5:

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.

That is like a life verse for me, one I need to continually meditate on.  As Robert McGee says in his book The Search for Significance, I have to give up my own efforts for righteousness and completely trust that what Christ did on the cross was sufficient.  I don’t want you to think that I have this all down.  I still daily struggle with the tendency to worry that I will not be good enough and fear God’s punishment. I have to remember that I never have been good enough or never will be…that I am covered by the blood of Jesus, secure in Him alone. I am loved and fully pleasing to God because of the sacrifice of Jesus. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing. I like to think of the cross as the bottom line in my life. No matter how rough of a day I have had or how great of a day I have had, at the end of the day I am covered by the blood of Jesus. I will spend eternity in Heaven with my Father. I am free! I AM FREE!! I am more than a conqueror because of the cross.

If you have believed in Christ’s death for you already, I pray that you would re-examine your life and allow the cross of Christ to become a reality. Let it change the way you live. Let it give you an abounding measure of joy and fullness that you can pour out into others.  Let it give you a security and sense of peace that you have never had before.  If you haven’t accepted Jesus, I pray that you would seek God out. I don’t care if you think this is like a  “come up to the front time” at church. The cross is real. God is real and he has changed my life. I pray that you would begin to know the One that has loved you more than you could ever imagine…the One who can give your life purpose and meaning…and the one who heals.

two for one blog

So..get excited. I am posting two, yes TWO blogs in one entry! The first one I have been pondering on for a few days, and then the second one was something I was thinking about just this morning. I am finally back in my house (electricity is a-mazing) and I am VERY thankful!

this is from a journal I wrote on 10/9/06:

Lord, I want to indwell my thoughts so much in you that I have no time to have any other thoughts but thoughts of You and doing Your will. Oh Lord keep Your word in my mind. I want my mind and my heart to be so full of Your word that I am able to combat temptation and focus and believe on Your promises.

Isn’t that amazing? I don’t know if you journal, but I highly recommend it (I know, some of you guys out there think journaling is girly, but it is seriously great).  These journals are in a beat up old notebook that I had gotten years before I even started writing in it, but I love being able to go back and read what was going on in my life two years ago.  I found this entry earlier this week while I was reading.  It pertained so much to something that God has and is continuing to teach me-to watch the thoughts that I allow myself to dwell on.  This is such a daily struggle for me!  I find myself slipping back into old thought patterns, and I have to immediately stop them and replace them with God’s truth.  Re-programming your mind is not easy! Thankfully God is faithful. I am getting better about fighting through the feelings of anxiety or insecurity or anything I know is not from God, meditating on God’s word and believing his truth no matter how I feel. I am so thankful that God didn’t just create us and say..”here you go, have fun!” We have the Word to light our paths.

and secondly…

Most of you know that I love Kari Jobe. Well yesterday I was having a stressful day…and I listened to one of her songs for the first time, it is called ” My Beloved”. Here are some of the lyrics:

You’re My Beloved
You’re My Bride
To sing over you is My delight
Come away with Me My love

You’re Beautiful to Me
So beautiful to Me

Under My mercy
Come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you
My child

You’re Beautiful to Me
So Beautiful to Me

I sing over you My song of peace
Cast all your care down at My feet
Come and find your rest in Me

I’ll breathe My life inside of you
I’ll bear you up on eagle’s wings
And hide you in the shadow of My strength
I’ll take you to My quiet waters
I’ll restore your soul
Come rest in Me and be made whole

This was exactly what my soul needed yesterday…and everyday. I forget what the love of God looks like in my life sometimes. I forget that I am not just another sheep in God’s shepherd pen, but that God knows me, so deeply and personally. He wants to love me with a love that is so far beyond anything I can imagine. He wants to hold me, comfort me, sing songs of love over me, and fill me until I am brimming over.

Lord…Daddy…thank you for your love for me.

update before bed..

Well my blog-reading friends, I am about to go to bed. Just a quick update:

I have had a busy weekend! LSU beat Appalachian State, which was awesome! Saturday was especially long for me, due to the fact that I got up at 4:45am to go practice because our game started at 10am. I proceeded to sweat profusely during the whole game and get a lovely sunburn (I’m sure you wanted to know that!) However, we looked amazing, so woohoo its FOOTBALL season!

Then I drove home to Beaumont, only to find out that Beaumont was under mandatory evacuation because of Hurricane Gustav. So my family and I all loaded up in my Dad’s truck to go to Houston. We spent the night there and went to the Astros game the next day. We sat in the best seats ever, and watched the Astros sweep the Cards. They won again in Chicago today…go ’stros! After a quick trip to San Antonio I am back in mid county again. LSU is closed the rest of this week, so I’ll be staying here probably until the weekend. I have been praying for everyone I know that could have had damage-especially my friend’s mom who lives where Gustav made landfall. Please pray for the states of Mississippi and Louisiana…we have lots of work to do. I also know that God is going to use this disaster for His good-that people are going to see the love of Christ in tangible ways through relief efforts. Ha Satan! You lose. We win. The end.

On a more personal note: something that God has been dealing with me on is the issue of idolatry. I think for us modern Christians it is really easy to think, “oh I don’t worship idols like the children of Israel did, so I’m in the clear,” when in fact, idolatry is like on stealth mode in our society and it can creep in really easily if we do not continually check on our hearts! Before I really started really making Jesus the Lord of my life (I had been saved forever), I adopted some pretty bad habits in terms of idolatry. For me it doesn’t happen all of the time, but if I am exposed to certain triggers, my mind goes in crazy mode and starts thinking about that thing obsessively. I had to repent last night, and read some chapters out of Isaiah, a book about the idolatry of the children of Israel and how God felt about it. My idolatry says..okay God, you are great and amazing, but I think this thing (insert whatever) is going to fill me more than you are, so I am going to spend all of my energy thinking about this thing and how wonderful it is! I know this is so wrong, but it is such a struggle for me in certain areas. Just being honest.

Also, I’m still praying about my future, and trusting that God will guide my paths. I need prayer in this area still.

That’s all for now!

I’m back!

It has been four months, yes four months since I have blogged. That is almost half a year..sheesh! I probably wouldn’t be blogging right now if a few people hadn’t asked about my blog..so here you go!

just a little update on me: summer was good..I stayed in the big BR and worked. I’m starting my last semester of college in a few weeks (woohoo!) I am so excited yet nervous at the same time. People keep on asking me what I am going to do when I graduate-honestly I have no idea! Seriously, for this 5-year-plan-aheader, being in the state of not knowing is very rare. However, I trust that God is going to show me exactly where I need to be at the right time. So if you remember, please pray for direction for me! Thanks…ya’ll are the BEST.

in other business…I have had so many things on my mind lately! Fortunately, this new season I’m in has been a little less intense than the last one (thank you Jesus!) I can’t really explain to you what happens after you finish a year of intense serving and learning and growing (aka elevate). You just kind of think..well God, what’s next?

I guess the one thing I have been thinking about the most lately is..the word passion. I meet other Christians or read their blogs and think…wow..they have such passion for Christ! When I meet people that have this, I can just tell. There is joy brimming out from every corner of their life. They are so completely, entirely in love with their Creator. I want this in my life. Like the song says, “stir it up in our hearts, Lord, a passion for Your name.” We just finished servolution at church, and have been talking about how we can change our world. I think having a passion for Jesus is the first thing we need to have if we want to change our world.

Passion says God, I care more about Your will than mine

Passion doesn’t care about the position, but delights in ANY opportunity to serve God

Passion turns the ordinary, mundane things we do into opportunities for Jesus to shared

Passion for God gives us a heart like His, which beats for others. Passion helps us see people through the eyes of Jesus. God is passionate about loving the people that He created.

Passion for God is infectious.

Just being honest….lately I have been struggling with my passion to serve. I remember when I first started going to church again, that I wanted to serve anywhere, anytime. I was passionate about serving. Lately, however, I have been struggling in this area-there have even been days when I just didn’t really care…and this bothers me.

Father, give me a passion to serve. Help me serve out of the overflow of You in my life. Give me your heart, and a burden for others instead of myself.

we cry out

I love how God knows what we are going to do before we do it! I wasn’t even planning on it today, but I went and prayed for LSU in St. Alban’s Chapel. A friend of mine has organized a week of much needed 24/7 prayer for LSU, where people of all denominations can come pray. I remember hearing about it, but then really didn’t think much more of it. I’m so glad God had a different agenda for me. Another thing-I brought my iPod to school which I haven’t done in a long time, and I am so glad. Lately I have been pretty obsessed with Jesus Culture’s worship and this song in particular was perfect for today. You really need to watch this.

Oh Lord we cry out, we’ve been lost
We need your mercies oh God
We repent for our sin and we turn to you again

Oh lord we cry out, we’ve been lost
Change our hearts to yours oh god
We repent for our ways and we turn to you again
And we turn to you

I can’t tell you how awesome it was to get on my face and cry out for the lost and the hurting at LSU. How many times do I know people that need Jesus, yet am too busy with my own issues to share with them? Forgive me God.

we are a chosen generation

Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land.-2 Chronicles 7:14

[I'm sorry this video isn't working anymore. They took it off YouTube right after I posted it..must be all my fault!]

comfort?

The first thing God does with us is to get us based on rugged Reality until we do not care what becomes of us individually as long as He gets His way for the purpose of His Redemption. Why shouldn’t we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God’s purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says – “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.
-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

This quote hit me like a ton of bricks today. I have been learning so much lately-sometimes I get so uncomfortable, and I beg God to take it away from me.  There are days when I long for how things used to be-when I was comfortable, and not really concerned about anything in my life besides just normal everyday things. I’m beginning to realize that it’s not about me and my comfort. I was being effective for God in the past, but God wants to take me to a new level in Him!  Yes God loves me endlessly, and wants to give me peace and joy, but if my uncomfort causes me to do things that I would normally not do, and these things cause God’s purpose for someone else’s life to come to pass..then praise God! So Jesus I praise you and thank you today for making me uncomfortable! I thank you are molding me into the person that you desire for me to be, and it is all done out of love.

blank slate

I know that for myself and many others, walking out this thing called “Christianity” each day involves clothing ourselves with humility and dying to our flesh. This is an area that I am continually improving in, but today I got a pretty big “humility reality check” as I would like to call it. I don’t know if anyone else is like this, but God has really had to teach me how to live in the present. I find myself either dwelling on the past or thinking too much about the future, missing the small ministry moments that God has for me in each day. I guess part of it has to do with the stage of life I am in- I’m 21 and graduating from college in December, so I am beginning to think about what God has for me in the future. I am trusting that God is going to direct me in the path I need to go. However, sometimes I wonder if I expect too much too soon in my future.

Ever since I started following Jesus again in July 2006, I began to realize that my heart was in ministry. I love working with people, and especially in a God-context. I know that I could be successful in the corporate world but there would just be something missing. So right now, I really want to do full-time ministry. I know that God has some big plans for my life, but today I was thinking (and this is where the humility reality check came in), “what if these big dreams I have for myself take a long while in coming?” Wow. Flesh-Lauren took a blow today. Even though I want to do ministry, sometimes I get so caught up in the position of being on a church staff, or being a leader of a ministry that I focus on that instead of serving Jesus (ouch!). So I realized today that my life needs to be a blank slate that Jesus can write what he wishes on. This means I need to be okay with whatever he has for me, no matter what this looks like. I need to be okay with possibly having a normal job. I need to be okay being someone’s amorbearer for years, serving their dream instead of mine.

I was reading Summer Kelly’s blog today (which is amazing, by the way) and she wrote a post about the 10 things she learned in leadership class. I hope she doesn’t mind, but I’m going to borrow them, because I feel that they are very relevant to this post. (Thanks Summer in advance!)

1) Your IDENTITY should never be about what you do, your degree, or your job title — and it certainly should not be defined by your past! You have to move on; don’t lead others into your bondage; rise up and lead people into freedom.

2) True leadership is about investing in OTHERS and empowering THEM to live up to their full potential. It should never be about US. We have to lay aside our own insecurities and our pride in the “title” and find our significance in the anointing God has put on our life.

3) If you are leading and no one is following you, you’re not really leading.

4) It’s wonderful to have dreams and ambitions, but if you only keep your eyes on the summit of God’s vision for you, you may lose your footing & miss what God has for you where you are NOW. Be faithful to where God has you at this moment, even if it is not your “calling” or “dream,” and He will bless you for it.

5) Go in the strength that you have; don’t be afraid to step out! Don’t look at the situation or circumstance with trepidation — Keep your focus on God and step out in faith. He will supply the rest.

6) Leadership is more about character — WHO we are, not what we “do.” Character and integrity are a day-to-day process. Character is what comes out when you SQUEEZE someone. Character is what gives us credibility.

7) We can make all the “plans” we want, but without God’s anointing, we can’t do anything — no matter how noble we think our plans might be. (yep..wow)

8 ) The WORLD equates leadership with power and fame, but God equates leadership with humility and servant-hood.

9) To whom much is given, much will be required. There is tremendous responsibility that comes with the gifts God has given us. USE YOUR GIFTS. If you don’t they will almost certainly be taken from you.
Think of it: What might the world look like if we all used our gifts???

10) Next-level leaders always find a need to fill or a hurt to heal. Making a difference in this life is simply a matter of CHOICE. You have to make a choice to ACT & decide to make a difference in this world.

whew…that convicted me BIG time!! Just when you think you are doing pretty good God goes and shows you how much you have to learn.

beyond measure

I’ve still been going through lots of changes, but they are all good. God is drawing me closer to his heart, which is such an incredible, beautiful thing! I have an abundance of joy and peace today, which I am so thankful for. These things have been rare commodities these past few months, so they are especially sweet today. I feel like I have such a child-like faith today-I am not thinking about things that are too big for me-just delighting in having a quiet spirit before my Father.

The fog has finally cleared to see,
The beautiful life you’ve given me
To feel the breeze of my newborn’s gentle breath
With one to walk hand in hand,
To share this life that you have planned
It’s like a storybook with dreams
That are meant to see every next step is an extraordinary scene

I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given You control

I’ve faced a great tragedy,
But have seen the works of what You bring
A display of faith that You give,
I don’t know if I will ever understand
The depth of what it is You’ve done inside,
But I know that I won’t find any worth apart from You

I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given You control

Everything that I have
Has been given so unselfishly
And shown that even when I don’t deserve
You always show the fullness of Your love

I know that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given You control
When I’ve broken down and given You control

Jeremy Camp, Beyond Measure

Oh how relevant these lyrics have been/are to me right now! Our God is so good.